Genesis Revised

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was

without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the

79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries

with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure.

But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben

and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy

vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own

platter and Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the

roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those

extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not

have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained

another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and

brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center

into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in

cholesterol.

And the Devil saw this and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple

bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the

nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer So Man

could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained

another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon

returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the

divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"